I was really embarrassed.
I had just rolled out of bed, thrown on my sweats, grabbed my bag, and trudged downstairs. I was in my Sophomore year at West Point. It was a Saturday morning in the Fall, sometime before 07:00am, and we had a regatta somewhere in the greater New York/New Jersey area. I was a college rower and this was a pretty typical day for me.
Dozens of times (hundreds maybe?), I had made my way down the five flights of stairs that exited in a tunnel that came out under the Mess Hall to cross between the Barracks to make my way down to our boathouse. Most of the time, the only people I encountered were workers in the Mess Hall taking out the trash, cooking breakfast for the 4,000 member Corps of Cadets...and occasionally there was a skunk. But I paid no attention either way. I was usually too tired to care.
But this morning, this Saturday morning, I threw open the door to walk into the tunnel. And I literally ran into General David Petraeus and his entourage. At the time, GEN Petraeus was serving as the Commander of US Central Command (overseeing operations in Iraq and Afghanistan). He was (let's just say), pretty important. And I was (let's just say), not.
I could say this was a fortuitous meeting in which he offered me some nuggets of wisdom and sage advice.
But that would be a lie.
Instead, everybody was surprised at this pre-dawn meeting. I fumbled over a salute and inaudibly mumbled while staring at the ground before briskly power walking away. I was pretty embarrassed.
But why? I'd run into Mess Hall workers more times than I could count. And skunks more times than I wanted to count. So why was I embarrassed? Well, General Petraeus was important.
Our world runs on this implicit belief: some people are more important than others. Some people are, frankly, worth more than others. Sometimes, we might even espouse this belief explicitly and sanctify it by calling it reasonable. Most people would agree that a General commanding thousands in a multi-faceted Global Campaign is more important than someone taking out trash.
Because we hold this belief, we treat people differently based on our perception of their station in life. More specifically, we treat people differently based on our perception of their station in relation to our lives.
We love to compare and rank ourselves don't we? In school, we cannot avoid coming up with "class ranks". As adults, we cannot resist the pull, coming out with lists of "30 people under 30" and "100 most influential people". Social Media today provides a ready made method of ranking importance in terms of followers and engagement.
And this is no less true in the church. Is someone in a position of leadership? They must be important. Is someone a Pastor? They are very important. Is someone the Pastor of a large church? They are the most important of all.
We worship celebrity. And we love to compare ourselves to other people; racking and stacking our merits beside theirs so that we seem more impressive in the eyes of others. We write our resumes on social media. We clamor for attention and adulation and applause.
I know there is a part of us anytime we are confronted with something so pernicious that says, "Well, yeah those people are sure like this. But I'm good." Or, there are those of us who will jump to the front of the line and loudly declare, "I am the chief of sinners! Everyone look at how righteous I am by declaring my unrighteousness!"
Either way, it appears the cancer is the same in all of us. And humbly admitting it is the first step. We love the praise of people. I know I sure do. If you're wondering whether this is really such a problem after all, I want you to consider this: it was certainly something that bothered Jesus.
One of his biggest problems with the Pharisees was that they had the right theology (in many respects), but they did too much of their faith for show. Their prayers, their clothes, their instagram posts - all for the approval and praise of others. He often had strong words for them on this front - calling them hypocrites and fools for instance. They often let Jesus know, either directly or indirectly, that they didn't approve of him.
His response? “Your approval means nothing to me, because I know you don’t have God’s love within you. For I have come to you in my Father’s name, and you have rejected me. Yet if others come in their own name, you gladly welcome them. No wonder you can’t believe! For you gladly honor each other, but you don’t care about the honor that comes from the one who alone is God.” (John 5:41–44, NLT)
Jesus was able to live free from the almost compulsive need to have approval and praise from others. Consequently, he was able to treat everyone he met with the same level of dignity and respect - from the blind beggar on the street to the Roman Governor of Judea. As the old translations put it, "God is no respecter of persons." Or, as the more modern translations explain, "God shows no partiality."
As individuals, we are having a very hard time right now treating other people with dignity. We're having a very hard time showing partiality. We look down on others for their beliefs and perspectives which are, in some cases, very different from our own. Most of us would agree that the aspiration to treat people like Jesus did is probably a good thing.
But to simply acknowledge that we have a problem is only the first step. And for me to leave us there would be to place an unbearable religious burden on our backs while I smugly walk away thinking I'm all too clever.
In order to move to a healthier posture, we need to identify the root problem. Why do we crave approval? Well, I think Jesus suggests the point: we were made to receive approval. We were made to receive honor and recognition. We were made to receive love from both God and other people.
In order to function properly, we need our recognition and love and approval tanks to be full (or at least, they need to be getting filled). The problem with the Pharisees, Jesus suggests, is that they were not receiving God's love. It's not that the Father did not love them. It's just that their religion was one of duty and obligation - not love.
For us, this is a familiar tendency. Because we are not receiving the love of God in our lives, we go looking for it from others. And so rather than relating to others from a place of loving security in God, we approach relationships reciprocally - I will extend love to you so that you will love me. Of course, this doesn't always work. So then we find ourselves working and striving for the approval and love of others. And on the cycle goes.
This is the point: if we want to relate well to others, with emotional and spiritual health and a genuine attitude of love, we must be able to receive the love of God into our lives.“We love each other because he loved us first.” (1 John 4:19, NLT)
Is this not Paul's prayer for the church? “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:17–19, NIV)
Of course, trying harder won't get us there. But there are a few ways to receive this love and grow in freedom in our relationships to others. We change as we train ourselves (by grace) to become the kind of people God created us to be. These disciplines are just a few suggestions that might be helpful for you:
Practice your righteousness for God, not others: This was one of the central points Jesus makes in Matthew 6. Don't do things for people to see you. Look for opportunities to practice righteousness (prayer, fasting, and giving in this particular context) and then make it a point not to tell anyone.
Don't Track your Stats: This is particularly applicable in the age of Social Media. Post something online and then don't look and see if anyone liked it. It's really that simple - just don't look. It will take some willpower and some discipline, particularly if you're a compulsive stat checker (like me).
Ask God to give you an experience of his love today: Pastor and Theologian Jack Deere put it in a way that I like: if we want to know (experience) the Love of God in our lives, the most sure way to get it is to ask. Ask God to show you today how much he loves you. One of the fun things about doing this particular practice is that he'll often do it. Most of the time, it's not in any way you expect. Let me close with one quick example: Over the summer, I was having a hard personally and professionally. It was a Sunday afternoon. I felt confident no one was watching the videos from our church and I was failing miserably across the board. So, I asked God simply if he would encourage me. I went through my morning routine and then went for a run on Sunday afternoon. It was a pretty day, not too hot, and the woods were refreshing. I felt ok, a little better, but not great to be honest. Then a random mountain biker whose name I will never know stopped and said, "Man, you're really fast! You're flying today! You're really doing a great job." It was a little thing and seemingly pointless, but just one example of how God reminded that, on that day, I really was doing a great job.
However you may find yourself, I just want to remind that God really does love you. He calls you his Beloved. You are precious in his sight. And most of all, he really likes you just where you are, just as you are. What do you think? Do you ever struggle with this? Any insights on ways we can grow in our freedom from seeking the approval of others? Any practices to help us grow in our knowledge of God's love?
Whatever the case, know that I'm praying for you today!
--Steve
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